Saturday, October 22, 2011


My shower took everything out of me today.  I feel like even while I lay in my bed resting that I am not resting enough.  The effort that it takes to breathe is too much and it hurts to breathe.  I try to take deep breathes to calm myself but it makes me more annoyed because it hurts!!  I have a comedy show to go to tonight and I have been afraid that I would be too ill to go, too tired.  I am worried that it will be too long and I will get my migraine back, get nausea, vomit, just lay still and beg to feel better.  I know how it feels to go out for a few hours and pay for days.  It makes me wish I never had anything to do because it is stressful to think about how hard it is to go anywhere.  Things that a healthy person would not think twice about and would look forward to, a comedy show, fun, relaxing, enjoyable.  It does not sound stressful to a normal, healthy person but anyone with a major illness can related to the what ifs.  I have learned that I can no longer have certain expectations, I cannot expect to feel well enough to go to school functions, out to dinner, out with friends, shopping.  I cannot expect that if I do have the energy or feel well enough to do those things that I will be fine after.  I will always have to lay down in bed for hours, maybe days, maybe nauseous, vomiting, with a fever, in terrible pain, hurting when I breathe.  Like some sick game of torture, a voodoo doll some one is twisting, poking, throwing, pounding on.  I wish I could sleep but my pain keeps me awake, too exhausted to sleep, sleep takes too much energy.  Maybe tomorrow I will be done with my lupus nightmare, I will be healthy again, I will go on a 3 mile run outside looking at the beautiful foliage.  I will play soccer with my kids, paint with them, bake their favorite apple crisp, cook their favorite dinner.  I will have all of this energy and I will be well, I will be me again!  But I know tomorrow I will be living with the wolf, tearing at me, tattering my soul, forbidding me to live freely.  I will be imprisoned in pain and exhaustion.  I will be confined to this illness.

1 comment:

  1. you have expressed so well how I feel, i love reading your blogs, they somehow make me feel I am not so alone.....thank you, I'm sure many others who read your blogs feel the same way...:) Susan