I did way too much for me today, I know for a normal person it was not much but it hurt me. I cleaned out one closet, some of the three drawers, and most of my mud room. I could only finish the closet, and was feeling too nauseous, tired, dizzy and in way too much pain to finish anything else. I don't know if you clean like me but I cannot stick to just one area, I move around. I was cleaning the coat/shoe closet and my mud room obviously has shoes and coats in it also so, I had to go back and forth in between them to feel like all of the shoes and coats were sorted, and charity bags were full. Since I have been so ill trying to get better, I have not been as diligent with organizing to say the least. I hope I can move tomorrow because doing a job like that usually leaves me completely bed bound for a few days. Every part of me hurts and my head just stop throbbing as bad as it was. My back hurts worse than normal, for some reason people with lupus get this bad middle back pain no one can explain. I am hot but on my heating pad, on pain medication, but still feeling bad. I hear of some people with lupus being able to work and do so many things during their day, and I wonder why I am normally bed ridden. Typing this is killing my hands and arms, it hurts to breathe, my ribs hurt, I have been getting stomach cramps for a few days (not period related, what TMI??). I just want to know why it is so hard for me to do anything, why when I have plans I get nervous that I may not be able to go. I get anxious about it, l hate being flaky, I hate letting people down especially the people I love. I especially get angry when people take it personally when I cancel or cannot make it to a party, I am not intentionally getting too sick. I do not enjoy missing out on family and friends events and lying in bed wishing a brief coma would come over me and allow me peace for a couple of days. It is not fun being sick everyday, it is hard to tell when I actually have a flu because my lupus symptoms are so similar. I am counting down the days to a cure but I probably wont have the right type of lupus to use it. I am still very thankful for my many blessings, having a healthy husband and two healthy children is worth all of the suffering. And if I can make a deal with god, that I do all of the suffer for them that would be great!!